When we began our private practice of divorce mediation and family law arbitration, we debated whether or not our website should make reference to our personal lives, and specifically, the facts that we are both divorced, and married to each other. We concluded that we should, because we felt it relevant to our mutual decision to leave our prior professional lives (long-time divorce litigator and Probate and Family Court judge) to pursue new careers as private dispute resolution providers, exclusively. Time and professional experience have rewarded those decisions, and our personal life underscores their basis.
Here are 6 little reasons why.
They range in age from 9 years to 7 days (at first posting). They are our grandchildren, biological and various steps, but all ours. They share a heritage of grandparental divorces, not something to celebrate, but worthy of acknowledgement nonetheless: not because divorces occurred, but because of how they were carried out. Litigation-free, lawyer-assisted and never disconnected from the human and financial stakes, these divorces today allow grandparents from all over, in terms of geography and personal circumstances, to enjoy their young offspring in harmony with each other and with remarkably little tension.
Why are we thinking of this today, aside from the welcoming of our youngest? Because not everyone is so fortunate. Divorce litigation leaves a long and sorry legacy: diminished financial resources, eroded trust, eradicated sense of common ties and far too often, serial court cases. Even prolonged disputes that avoid direct court confrontations pose challenges to the re-structured families that emerge from divorce.
For sure, some cases just need court resolution for a host of reasons, but far more do not. The capacity of parents to resolve their legal differences civilly, despite their irreconcilable marital differences, may be trumped by irrationality, criminality or even novelty of legal issues. One thing is equally sure. Court solutions never yield enhanced capacity to get along; something that grand-parenting, without ratcheting up tension for younger generations, absolutely requires. The impending holidays highlight this truth.
Whether through mediation (facilitated negotiations) or arbitration (private and negotiated third party decision-making), divorcing parties avoid the worst of the excess that divorce litigation entails: exaggeration of differences in the context of winners and losers, played out on a public stage. As importantly, they have the chance to enhance respect for each other and for themselves, avoid the chaos that grips litigating families, cut financial losses and sometimes even enhance good will. For all of that, we embrace our work.
With 6 small reasons for gratitude, we are looking forward to the coming holidays.